Oscar Nominations

The endurance trial that is the Oscar race started today with the announcement of the nominations. I haven't seen all the films, so it's unfair to make sweeping denunciations. However, there are more than a couple of blips.

First, standard disclaimer: The Oscars are about who you know. They are about celebrity status. They are about members of the Academy fawning over each other. They do not reflect audience preferences, they do not reflect the choices of critics. They started as an industry dinner party, an opportunity for people in the business to get together and cuddle. In many ways -- absent the dinner -- they remain so today.

I love Oscar critics who say that the Oscar's are "more and more irrelevant", as if they had ever been "relevant". Or those who remark that some past winner "hasn't stood the test of time", as if that mattered. In that year among that pool of contenders, those members of the Academy liked those winners more than anyone else. Period. Any greater analysis is what's irrelevant, not the winning films.

That said, every now and again there are nominations that are so patently absurd and insane that you have to scream. For example, when The Towering Inferno got a nomination for costume design. If you've seen the film, you know what I mean. If you haven't, accept the fact that the "costumes" were purchased off the discount rack at Sears. Ah, the joy of leisure suits. See Steve McQueen loosen his tie! See Paul Newman roll up his sleeves! See Susan Flannery prance about in Robert Wagner's dress shirt! Oh, the haute couture!

This year, the nomination that stands out for the What the Hell Award is Poseidon for best visual effects. Was the Academy desperate for three nominations? Didn't they notice that Children of Men has visuals all through it? Or, even more on point, how about Pan's Labyrinth? Questions of more worthy nominations aside, how did they miss that the little detail that the visual effects sucked? Even my non-movie geek friend remarked, "Holy [expletive deleted], how phony is that!" (He kept repeating himself until the tequila really kicked in and he passed out.)

So, easily, this is the worst nomination made this year.

As for the rest, I am reminded of what Andrew Sarris, the legendary film critic of the Village Voice, said when TV Guide asked him which film he thought should take home the Oscar for Best Picture. He responded that it didn't matter because the best film of the year hadn't been nominated. (He was, by the way, referring the Steven Spielberg's underappreciated masterpiece, Empire of the Sun.)

I have the same opinion here. I'm happy to see Paul Greengrass get a directorial nomination, but why isn't his film, United 93, up for best picture? From the moment I first saw it I didn't think anything would come along and beat it. Some came close, but nothing has changed my mind that United 93 was the best picture of 2006. (Must remind myself: It's not about what's good, it's about movieland politics. See, even I forget.)

I'm surprised at how few nominations Children of Men received, especially the lack of recognition of its subtle and effective visual effects work. Nonetheless, I'm laughing my left butt cheek off that it got a nomination for best screen adaptation. Obviously those making that nomination never read the book because if they did they might have noticed that the story in the film doesn't even approximate the story in the book; it might as well have been an original screenplay.

Speaking of insults to writers, some shutouts made me happy. I'm pleased as punch that the stench on ice that is V for Vendetta was completely ignored. I tortured myself with another viewing via DVD recently, only this time I added the horror of watching the included "making of..." documentary. What pretentious, clueless little people. The fictional characters working the fashion industry in The Devil Wears Prada come off as more believable and true than the "real" people who worked on V.

It would be fun to be Hollywood right now, because now all the politicking begins. All the phone calls, meetings, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, midnight snacks, alcohol, lattes, free DVD screeners, kissy faces, bribes, blackmailing, ass-kissing, posturing, blubbering, seduction, prostitution, soul searching, soul selling, soul stealing, vote stealing, hand waving, hand wringing, hand shaking, finger wagging, knuckle cracking, water-boarding, Chinese water torturing, hail pulling, nail biting, back-stabbing, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, begin right now. All so a few can take home a statue that to 99.99999994% of the country means nothing, but to that remaining 0.00000006% means everything. Oh, to be a fly on the wall and watch it all transpire. That is the story that screams to be told on the big screen, this is a story no one dares to film.

Cowards.